Hey Cowboys fans! (If you’re not a fan of the best sports team on the planet, that plays in the best damn stadium ever built, then you’re an idiot.) Recently, I’ve been getting lots of questions about riding DeMarco Murray too hard and I’m getting a little sick of it. Normally I would respond to the criticism with some bullshit about how DeMarco gives us the best chance to win, or that we have all the confidence in the world in him and our training staff. But, now I’m here to set the record straight once and for all.
I hate DeMarco Murray.
That’s right, I hate him. Almost as much as I hate Jimmy Johnson. I’m going to ruin that bastard’s career. Ever heard of the “curse of 370”? Look it up. Oh, he’s on pace for almost 400 carries? He has a checkered injury history? Boo hoo. Jason tells me he wants to give Joseph Randle more carries. Like I give a shit? Let’s get real, folks.
But Jerry, what did DeMarco do to you? I’ll tell you! It started back on New Year’s 2012 at Tony’s house. DeMarco totally cock-blocked me in front of some smokin’ hot cheerleaders. But, that was just the beginning. During camps and OTAs he’s frequently parked in my spot (which clearly says “Cowboys Owner/GM/Czar/King/God Parking Only”). Then, at last year’s United Way fundraising gala, I caught him feeding table scraps to my Snuggles!! Everyone knows albino snow leopards can’t eat people food! Such a jerk! Well, I’m rambling, you get the idea…
So, at first, I tried hiding a poisonous snake in his locker. Then, I took a dump in the back of his Range Rover. But, he didn’t seem too bothered and he started getting really suspicious. How could I get revenge without the risk of getting caught? I could trade him, but then another team would benefit from his production. I got it! I’ll run him so much his legs snap like pieces of Christmas peppermint bark! (All in the name of winning of course.) So, I tell coach Garrett: “More carries for Murray! And when you think he could use a breather, give him EVEN MORE CARRIES!!”
Cowboy nation, I think I’ve made myself pretty clear. Now stop asking about it. I have to go now, I’m late for a high-stakes poker game with other Billionaire owners. It’s fun. I get to drink Johnnie Walker Blue and watch them sweat like whores in church. By the way, Jimmy Haslem is my poker bitch. Haha! We’ve got a standing agreement that I won’t collect on the $800k he owes me if he keeps Johnny Manziel holding a clipboard. I don’t want y’all getting upset that I passed on him during the draft! What a sucker.
Merry Christmas and Go Cowboys!!
– Not Written By… Jerry Jones