Sup guys?! Did you survive Cinco de Mayo? Such an awesome time of the year! It’s my favorite holiday besides Christmas! Obviously because I’m Mexican. Well… 1/16 Mexican anyways. A little known fact about me.
I woke up this morning to complete darkness and thought I went blind before realizing I fell asleep wearing a Nixon mask. I look around and there are three girls, a pile of jelly beans and a rare albino black lab puppy in my bed. Not entirely unusual for a Friday. I stumble to the bathroom and you know it’s a good night out when the toilet screams for mercy the next morning. So, I sit there trying to remember the night before. It was pretty crazy from what I can piece together.
My posse and I started our Cinco de Mayo celebration at The Salted Rim Taqueria. We eased in with some tacos and margaritas. Before we know it, I’m performing a Prince tribute, singing his songs with a mariachi band. Then, I’m doing tequila body shots off some smokin’ hot girls on the bar! My memory gets fuzzy after that. We headed to the club and at some point I was hanging with LeBron and taking selfies with a cop on a horse. I’m pretty sure I got freakin’ baptized by a midget priest at some point, but maybe that was just a beautiful dream.
Sure, I could’ve called an Uber, but I’m Justin Bieber man! I told my posse,”dude I got this!” On the way home, I pulled over the Bentley and I painted a critically-acclaimed mural on the side of the interstate, because I’m a genius! We somehow made it back safely, and the rest of the night is a mystery. I can’t wait until next year!
– Not Written By… Justin Bieber aka “The Biebs”