I know y’all miss me. I’ve seen the upcoming candidates. It’s slim pickins. Slimmer pickins than a Black Friday clearance rack! But, you know what I miss more than good presidential candidates? My freedom! Hillary is getting out of control. She has nothing better to do than to try and run my life. I NEED you to vote her into the White House! PLEASE vote for Hillary!
My time as President of the United States wasn’t exactly smooth sailing. Obviously, there was the Monica Lewinsky fiasco and the impeachment hearings (I still haven’t stopped paying for that shit). My life since then has been a living hell. Almost 15 years later, Hillary still teases me about the definition of “is”. She just doesn’t have anything better to do than to nag me. Sure, she was a Senator for a while, then she was Secretary of the State. But neither of those cake walk jobs sufficiently occupied her. Being President is the ONLY thing that could keep her out of my hair. If she’s not elected, I might have to fake my own death, Gone Girl style!
I’m hoping that if she’s elected President, I can finally let loose. I’ll play more golf. I’ll eat whatever I want. (A mouth full without getting an ear full, if you know what I mean.) I might even start playing some Call of Duty. The secret service guys have been telling me to try it for years, but Hillary would never let me. Heck, between you and me, I might even get a mistress or two! I’m giddy just thinking about it!
So, if you’re on the fence and you can’t decide who to vote for, do your old buddy, Bill a big favor next year. Vote for Hillary Clinton in 2016!
– Not Written By… Bill Clinton