Urban Meyer Terminator

“Guatemala” – Not Written By… Urban Meyer

Typically I like to focus on what’s ahead, moving forward, the task at hand, so on and so forth… especially during the season.  But, now that we’ve accomplished our goal of bringing a national championship back to THE Ohio State University, I feel like I can unwind a bit and reflect back on my past experiences.

As I’m sure you know, I resigned from the University of Florida a few years back after some health concerns and some BS about wanting to be with my family.  Well, I had a brief stint at ESPN then I got sick of my family.  After that, I was miraculously cured and I re-entered the coaching realm, returning to the great state of Ohio where I grew up.  End of story, right?  Well, there’s more to my recovery than that.  But, don’t believe any of the rumors you might have heard.  I didn’t get a heart transplant.  I didn’t undergo experimental surgery making me a half-man half-machine freak of nature.  I even heard a theory that I received the same miracle drug that doctors injected in Adrian Peterson’s torn-up knee (it’s called AD28-Z).  I considered that, but believe it or not, the truth is even weirder than that!

ESPN was a friendly environment.  People were very supportive, many kind words were said, but Kenny Mayne was particularly helpful.  Reluctantly, I let Kenny introduce me to a specialist in “unconventional” medicine.  Next thing I know, I’m sitting in first class, headed to Guatemala for a face-to-face meeting with a witch doctor named Zulu-Aya!  After a long flight, Kenny and I take a puddle jumper to a small dirt runway, then ride a rusty Jeep Wrangler to a rural village.  Finally, we’re standing in front of the flaps of Zulu-Aya’s dark damp tent.  There’s an odd smell I can’t quite figure out.  The witch doctor says I can call him Zulu, but he doesn’t even ask about my ailment!  He rudely starts poking and prodding me with a determined scowl on his face.  He stops his examination abruptly, and procures a list of ingredients.  Frog legs, coconut husk, a beetle, some red powder, a few berries I don’t recognize…  Some yellow liquid I can only assume is urine from God knows what animal…  Of course no miracle potion would be complete without the blood of a virgin (impossible to find at Ohio State).  Zulu grinds it all up with a pestle and mortar, pours it into a tiny cup and hands it to me.  I take one last breath, slam the whole cup, and grimace in disgust.  Relieved to be done, I turn towards Kenny, but I’m overcome by dizziness and the world goes black…

When I regained my awareness, we’re back in Bristol.  It seems like a weird dream, except that I feel healthier than I ever have before.  The rest, as they say, is history.  Obviously, you can see how this story would have been a huge distraction on the field.  So, I decided to keep it a secret.  But, now that we’ve defied all the odds by beating Alabama and Oregon, I’m feeling grateful and more transparent than usual.  I’m glad to finally have the truth out in the open and hopefully I won’t need Zulu’s help any time soon!

– Not Written By… Urban Meyer

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