Ladies and gentlemen, there are a lot of rumors and accusations flying around about me. I’ve been doing my best to weather the storm, but it’s getting out of hand. You people will believe anything you hear on TV! My wife, Mrs. Cosby, is one of the few that knows the truth. I was afraid the truth might get me in even bigger trouble than the accusations themselves. In my old age though, I’ve finally realized the truth will set you free. I need to clear my name, so here goes…
I’m not saying these women are liars, they may have been sexually violated. But, not by me. Although, I do have a confession to make. I think my clone is the culprit. Yep. I have a clone. I’ll let that sink in for a second… You see, back in the late 80’s, The Cosby Show was at its peak and I was getting paid for lots of commercials. Unfortunately, I was turning 50 and felt like my body was falling to pieces prematurely. That’s when I found the perfect opportunity (albeit an illegal one): Experimental clones for organ harvesting! It was expensive, but I had the money. Welcome to the world, Phil Cosby!
Now, clones are designed to age at an accelerated pace, and as a result they never stop eating! I already spent a fortune to have Phil created, I couldn’t afford his enormous appetite! Lucky for me I had a storage unit containing a life-supply of J-E-LL-O. Problem solved! Little did I know, a Jello-centric diet would literally drive a man (or a clone) mentally insane. Phil got increasingly belligerent and inappropriate. Mrs. Cosby and I had no choice but to lock him up in our basement. For a while, we thought he was behaving, playing with Pogs and the NES we bought him. But, many years later we discovered that he had been sneaking out through a basement window and frequently going to parties, posing as ME! We thought it was mischievous but relatively harmless until all these allegations started swirling, decades later. At first I thought these women were just trying to get settlement money, but then it finally clicked and I realized it must have been Phil all along!
So, I’m finally coming clean. I realize I could go to jail for having an extremely illegal clone, but I figure that’s better than having people drag my name through the mud. I hope you understand.
– Not Written By… Bill Cosby