By now you’ve probably seen the terrible game I had last Sunday in front of our home fans. I’m embarrased, I really thought I could feel it. 80 yards, no touchdowns, two picks. Of course, I’m man enough to own up to it. It was a total fail on my part. But with that said, I can explain!
Let’s go back in time… After coach Pettine named me the starting quarterback, I knew it was time to stop partying and get down to business. Starting quarterbacks can’t be drinking and goofing around all the time! So, in honor of my new professional mindset, I went out for one last celebration! DAMN DID WE GET TURNT!
I woke up hung over as shit, but a starting QB doesn’t have time for hangovers! I can’t be late for another team meeting! I made it just in time, but I didn’t have time to hit the locker room so I rolled in still wearing my pimp bath robe. Coach was hatin’ though… We had a good practice after that. But, I saw Brian Hoyer laughing with the O-line and pointing at me. I’m pretty sure there was some conspiracy shit going on. Brian paid them to give me weak protection!
That’s just the beginning… After practice, I go upstairs for a serious game-film cram session. I pour a Patron on the rocks and I’m ready to dissect Cincy’s defense! Just as I start the tape, the whole system goes down. I check the A/V room and someone’s ripped up all the wires! I poke my head out into the hallway, and I see a sketchy guy running away that I swear looked just like Jerry Jones. Just then, my buddy Slick texts me about this party. He says it’s off the chain. My film sesh’ was doomed anyways, and I was already gettin’ my booze on, so I might as well go… Right?
Finally, I make it through the week and Sunday rolls around. I strap on my
Beats Bose headphones to get my head right before the game. But, someone’s hijacked my music and it’s nothing but Taylor Swift and One Direction! How am I supposed to get my swag on with that?! (Well, except Shake It Off, that one’s pretty good.) So, I’m already in a funk, when I start warming up and something just feels off. I think Carl, the equipment guy, didn’t break in my cleats like I asked him to. What does a man have to do to get a few miles on his cleats?! Ugh… Anyways, you know how this story ends. As you can see, if the deck wasn’t stacked against me, I would’ve had a great game!
I’ll tear up the Panthers next week, but first I gotta fly to Vegas… I got invited to Mike Tyson’s birthday party!
– Not Written By… Johnny Manziel